Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
