You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
