Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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