There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
