I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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