final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
