Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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