I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Four minutes until I can fart!
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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