I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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