Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
