I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
