If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
