Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
The feeling are messing with the penis
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
