I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
