I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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