The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
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