Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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