You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
