every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
