whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
