everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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