It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
where are my pants?
in the oven.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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