laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
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