I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
