She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
