I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
