grandma shit on top of the toilet
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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