maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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