Sober January is a disaster.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
