My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize