I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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