insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
