dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
