You're so nebulous sometimes
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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