Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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