I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
