I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
