i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
