the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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