Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
