She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize