So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
Randomize
