I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
