my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Randomize
