I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
