sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
