I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You are the jesus of drinking
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
