I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
And then he peed in my hair
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
