Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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