Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
