And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
