you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
