I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
