one word: firstdatebathroomanal
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Randomize
