I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
