I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
