i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
