I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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