meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
